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Getting my headspace back together

I don’t want to use this place as a jour­nal. Noth­ing good real­ly comes of that, so I’m not going to go there. But I do believe in being open about things, because some­one else might be out there strug­gling, too. There’s nev­er an easy way to go through hard times … lit­er­al­ly why we call them hard times. It’s hard.

Last fall, I got preg­nant for the sec­ond time. I wasn’t near­ly as sick as the first time, but I was still filled with trep­i­da­tion. We wait­ed a cou­ple extra weeks before tak­ing the preg­nan­cy test. Then we wait­ed anoth­er week before call­ing the hos­pi­tal to have a test done to con­firm. At 7 weeks along, we had a dat­ing ultra­sound and every­thing looked great. Already I had made it far­ther than before, but still we didn’t want any­one to know. We didn’t want to let our­selves start to hope. Around 9 weeks I told my jobs, because I was start­ing to feel real­ly run down and rather queasy. I nev­er got sick, but I felt on the verge of it for months. By 11 weeks we told my par­ents. Then grad­u­al­ly we told more and more peo­ple. By the end of 12 weeks, we start­ed dis­cussing names, and at my 14 week appoint­ment, when my DR said every­thing looked per­fect, we start­ed get­ting excit­ed.

At 16 weeks I mis­car­ried. Again.

Mis­car­riage at 16 weeks is crush­ing for a few rea­sons. Obvi­ous­ly, you’re no longer get­ting the baby that you had hoped for.  You’re blind­sided because you were sup­pos­ed­ly in the “safe zone”. There’s doubt of whether you’ll ever be able to car­ry to term. Anx­i­ety about the wast­ed time and the tick­ing clock (hel­lo 32, I see you on the hori­zon there). But there’s also the pain of actu­al­ly going through labor. And then also, not hav­ing a baby at the end of that labor. The after­noon surgery I had with the first mis­car­riage couldn’t be done at the local hos­pi­tal. I’d have to trav­el over an hour to a spe­cial­ist up north to have a D & E per­formed at 16 weeks. It would have been a 2 day pro­ce­dure, and the risk of dam­age to the uterus was increased over the pre­vi­ous one. So, we chose to go through labor.  Since we still do want kids, we want to give any future preg­nan­cies the best chance pos­si­ble.

The nurs­es were great, but that was the sin­gle worst day of my life so far. I have nev­er been in so much pain. I had bruis­ing from the IV and blood draws for two weeks after. I couldn’t climb stairs for two days. And only now, two and a half weeks lat­er, do I feel nor­mal, no lin­ger­ing twinges, or oth­er pains.

I’m still work­ing through the emo­tion­al pain of it all. I’m not sure when or if that real­ly goes away.

Published inLife thoughtsWriting